Fake_Urlacher's blog
Urlacher: I had an Awesome game last week
I killed the Packers last week, been so happy with my game last week that I've been celebrating all week. I forced fumbles, intercepted the ball and scored a touchdown. O and dont forget about those sacks either.
Farve played like Grossman and complained about the weather. This guy is suppose to be a cold weather player, what the hell was his problem. The rest of the team did not look much better either. The Green Bay punter may never recover from the day, he had the worse day I have ever seen a punter have. There were short punts, blocks and missed snaps.
The world got to see what the Chicago Bears are capable of on a Sunday. Dont mess with us we are out to cause some trouble in the last game of the season.
Urlacher: Whats on my mind today
Well it's thursday and I have a lot of things on my mind this week. It's been a long and painful season so far. Word came out this week that Kyle Orton will be starting at QB for us in Minnesota on Monday evening. While this is a sad day, it's also positive that the team is finaly trying to evalute some talent and see what we have on the bench. Lord knows the other two QB's have had their chances.
Now if they could just sit me down for the rest of the season and let me get my back worked on. But no the Bears are too damn scared to admit that there might be something wrong with my back. They keep saying its sore and wont admit there the thing is totaly messed up.
The Baseball steriod report is coming out this afternoon and I cant wait to see these guys piss their pants. There are going to be a lot of big names on that report and the media will be buzzing for weeks. I am sure glad that we don't have this kind of witch hunt going on in Football. I certainly could use a little fix to help my back get better but thats just between us.
Urlacher: Redskins game is going to hell
I'm writing this while sitting on the sidlines with my iPhone. This thing rocks and I think that I may start doing this more often. Although I feel like breaking it because we are stinking this stadium up.
The offense commited 6 penalties on that last drive and we were in the red zone. We had so many chances and have pissed them down our legs. Our play calling has been shit again tonight. We had a couple of good drives that were killed by penalties and dropped passes.
Our season is officialy over tonight. We just as well put in the young players from this point on and figure out what we are going to do for the future. We need to get Orton some playing time and see what we can do at running back. We have the best line backing core in the leagure so there are no worries there.
Urlacher: Its been a tough week
Yesterday was a heavy day and very emotional for some members of our team. While Sean Taylor was not a Bear, there are several players from Miami on the Bears with close ties to Sean. All I can say is that is Sean will be a great loss to the league and his family.
I really thought that we would win that game yesterday. It started out great with my all star interception. Does it get any better than that one? I was watching Eli's eyes the whole way and jumped in front of the receiver and snatched the pass from the cold December air. It was a beautiful thing.
The worst part of the day was that Hester got almost no opportunities to work his magic. The whole NFL is totaly affraid of this guy. He is now on the FBI's most wanted list for dangerous football players. Devin can even cut through Chicago rush hour traffic with the same ease as a punt return. Maybe next week someone will be dumb enough to kick the ball from Devin.
It's Monday today and I have to go over and work on my tight body. People do not understand that it's hard work to keep this body in this kind of shape. I dont not just show up and work out at pratice and look this good. No way, I must work out for hours each week in addition to our team practices. I have a private nutritionist that make sure that I each the highest qulity protiens and low fat foods. I don't take steriods and never will. How many clean cut white boy football players look as good as I do. I'll answer that, None do.
Urlacher: Whoa how bout them BEARS!
I've always wanted to say that, does not sound as good as How bout them boys did. But it works for me. Damn we kicked some ass today. In the second half of todays game we played like we need to each week. If you could do that more often we could be like 8-3 this year. I put in a good game and nfl.com has me down for 8 tackles, but no worry when the coaches release my inflated numbers tomorrow I will take around 15. This will keep me in good with the stats people. Gotta keep those numbers up so I look good for the MVP voting.
I was just watching that Philly & New England game and those Patriots almost lost that one. That would not happen if they had me cloggin up the middle on that defense. Anyways with the game plan that the Eagles used could probably help the Bears win against those Patriots. With Rexy slinging the ball to our two awesome Tight ends accross the middle we could beat those Pats.
Urlacher: Thinking of getting a double to do my interviews
I've been thinking about getting someone that can do my media interviews. It would really free me up to do things that I would rather be doing. The best that I could come up with right now is Frank Caliendo. He is really hot right now and lets face it the guy can do a hell of an impression. Now most media idiots could never pickup on the voice differences and probably are not smart enough to notice the difference in apperance either. Sure Frank is not the physical specimin that I am, but I think he would fool most of them.
Have to make a mental note to have agent setup a meeting with Frank to discuss this opportunity. I could watch him do that Madden skit all day long. I might even have him do a little press tour, this couldnt hurt. Especialy with me trying to get traded to the Patriots.
Urlacher: We just can't catch a damn break
We'll would you ever think that we would loose on a day that we put up 23 points. I guess yes, because we gave them 30 points. On day that I thought we played a pretty good game. Rex had over 250 yards passing with no interceptions, but did manage to fumble the ball on a drive that we could have taken the lead back. I guess even on a good day Rex can find a way to loose the game for us.
Anyways I'm just to depressed to write much more. I had a good game with 8 tackles and the defense got a couple of sacks and a fumble recovery. But all that does not mean a thing when we let DJ Hackett have over 180 yards receiving. They just moved the ball on us to easy even with our numbers looking better than normal. I don't know how were gonna right this damn ship.
Right now I'm watching the Patriots game and those boys can play some pretty football. Nice to see Moss rack up big numbers on some team besides us. We had to deal with him for too many years. Hmmm maybe I could swing a deal to be traded to the Colts or Patriots. They both could shurely use a handsome and All Star linebacker.
Urlacher: Great the mental midget is back under center
Well I think that this picture says it all. I can tell you that this is how the whole team feels when Rex is back there, we feel like were taking it in the Ass. I've never met anyone else that can keep coming up with new ways to screw up a game. One weeks its interceptions, then fumbles, not avoiding sacks, dropped snaps, bad passes and many others. Atleast he is never boring.
There is no way that he has improved in the last few weeks while he was sitting on the bench. He is still going to suck just as bad as he did in the last game he played in. Ok so he comes into the Oakland game and puts up one nice deep pass and Bernard catches it for a TD. How many times is that going to happen each week, not very many.
The team has a little pool going around that has people drawing for the number of dropped snaps and interceptions Rex will have in the game. I've got my picks submitted and will be donating any cash that I win off of this to a local charity. At this point we would much rather have a hurt Brian or a crazy Kyle out there playing on Sunday.
Urlacher: This woman is a relentless pain in the butt
Couple of years ago I made the mistake of sleeping with this Ho named Tyna Robertson. She got pregnant on purpose and we now have a 2 year old son that we are trying to raise. Well I want to raise him and the Ho wants to bleed me dry for her meal ticket.
This bitch is trying to call me a lier now and has filed new motions in court saying that I did not make attempts to pick up my son for visitation 4 times earlier this year. She just never lets up and is the Queen of all Gold Diggers out there. Trying to make me look bad.
Best of all this woman tried to sue that Lord of the Dance guy and had no luck. So she then stalked me down and I was dumn enough to sleep with her. So first came the baby then came the lawsuits and attacks on my character. Now Tyna is pregnant again and its from a German basketball player, I wonder whats going to become of this one.
Someone out there in the court system needs to bring this lady down. See her for what she is and is doing to these people. They should force her to have her tubes tied and take away all rights for her to use the court system. Anyways I guess it's my fault for not double bagging it with this chick. Oh and Tyna I hope your back door still hurts! You look a little uncomfortable sitting in the court room the other day.
Urlacher: My thoughts on the Raiders game this Sunday
I think that each week before the game I will offer my thoughts on how the team will perform. I'll try to cover the whole team and my individual goals. Then the week following the game I will followup and comment on how we played and if my predictions came true. I predict a Bears win and a score of 35 to 9 by games end.
This week Cedric is getting all of the heat again. He is being singeled out as the important point of the Raiders game. I think that he will bust out and rush for over 100 yards, or I will got in at running back. Sure the Raiders are terrible at stopping the run and have not recovered a fumble yet this year. But we better not make them look like all stars this weekend.
On the quarterback front I think Brian will have a strong game also. I know that our awesome tightend team is going to go crazy on the Raiders linebackers and have a huge game. The offensive line is going to protect our guys and open some huge holes for Cedric to run through.
Ok on the Defensive side of the ball we are going to chew up the Raiders and eat them for lunch. I predict that we get around 8 quarterback sacks and at least two interceptions. We will hold them to under 100 yards rushing and no more than 250 yards to total offense. I will have atleast one sack and 10+ tackles myself.
This dude is fast and has some serious flavor!
I was filling up with gas in my car last week when I saw Devin Hester gasing up also. Well to my surprise Hester the "Windy City Flyer" has gone the Old School route for his ride.
He did not bother dropping a bunch of cash on some European ride like some of our other teamates. His ride is total Ghetto Fabulous! He's got the Lois V patter on the side and those huge wheels on there. While I was rolling in my Escalade, that used to be totaly cool.
We'll maybe I can hang outside of work sometime with Hester. You know he probably looks up to me since I get all of the really hot chicks.
The update on my weekly Fox Sports Q&A - AKA the real details
Prior to the bye week, you revealed just how much back pain has plagued you this season. Did the break help at all or will it limit you for the rest of the season?
It goes in spurts. I don’t think the off time helped as much as some new exercises I’ve been doing has. For some reason, the last three weeks it has felt… like I was hit in the back by a truck. I‘m trying two do different things like the boob grab exercise and a new ass grab exercise. It’s going to be an ongoing thing so I’m trying to learn how to deal with it.
Well, since you didn’t think about football in the bye week, I’ll give you a little news update. That guy Adrian Peterson, I think you’ve heard of him, absolutely gashed the Chargers defense for 296 yards. I think you know the kid.
Ok so I was caught on film
Ok, So I tried to keep this on the down low, but some idiot on Facebook posted this photo. Damn can a guy not grap a little breast now and then without making the front page. Its not like its a sex tape or something, although I would not mind making one of those with this girl. And to think that loser Bret Michaels could have had this chick on that Rock of Love TV show. Maybe I'll start up a new show called Tackle the Hottie or maybe something else clever. Note to self have agent look into this ASAP. What could be better than having like 20 hot chicks around.
Urlacher: So what if I play with some pain
I've been enjoing treating the media like my bitches the last few weeks. Giving them one word responses and basicly just not answering any questions. I'm tired of the same questions being asked week after week. Yes we are playing like crap! Yes we might not even win a game against a good high school team. But damn you guys are all experts at breaking down our play, stop asking me when you already know the answers to the questions.
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